space

Notice how it says, in tiny letters, that Earth is invisible on this scale?

On a tiny ball of metal and rock, somewhere nestled in a tiny solar system with a tiny star, is a tiny race of living creatures. An entire ecosystem existing on an unimportant speck in a vast network of systems, galaxies and matter.

The life time of our earth is so short that it is worth less than a millisecond in infinite time, not even registering a blip on the radar within the universe.

Whole human lives are created and lost, wars fought, atrocities committed, without the attention or without impact on the rest of existence.

On this scale, it hardly matters if we are good people, bad people, criminals or saints. It doesn't matter how many lives we save, take or nurture. It doesn't matter if we poison the Earth, blow it up, or manage to restore its natural glory. It simply doesn't matter.

And yet...

All the matter in the universe originated from one event: the Big Bang.

In a moment, at one point in space, one pixel on the screen, there was nothing... and then there was everything.

Whether this happened because God spoke it into existence, as I believe, or not, it has been pretty mathematically mapped out.

It wasn't there, and then it was.

The molecules and particles which burst forth in that moment of creation now compose everything that is matter today. They have been recycled, reorganized. They have been superheated space dust, they have composed stars which were born and then died, they circled in spiral galaxies and blazed in colorful nebula.

And now, they compose my skin, hair, nails, desk, mouse, money- everything.

In the most simple manner of saying this- I am as old as all of creation. You and I have been around since the beginning, in some form or another. The milk which feeds my baby, the breakfast on my plate, processed doughnuts, fresh strawberries- it is all the exact same age.

All matter was created in that moment.

So, just as we- on a tiny rock, in a tiny solar system, in a tiny galaxy- are inconsequential, we are as equally consequential as all the larger, more powerful, more ancient systems out there.

So nothing matters.

And everything matters.

The only things which have meaning are things to which we ascribe meaning.

That is a terrifying, freeing and overwhelming concept.

drum beats

I got an amazing compliment today at Daegan's preschool.

"He is so intelligent and creative- you guys must be teaching up a storm at home, because he came in today naming bones. He marches to the beat of his own drummer, too. He is difficult to teach, because he just learns so fast- he is way ahead of his age group. Keep doing whatever it is you are doing, because however unorthodox, apparently it is a good fit for him.  I don't care what the other parents say- their kids are nothing compared to the challenges you face raising him. He is just so dynamic and intense that he makes the other kids look easy. It is hard keeping up with him. He asks questions that are tough to incorporate into preschool-leveled curriculum because they are years ahead of their time. Today he made me explain the ice age and fossilization processes! He is an amazing kid. Just amazing. And intense."

(Quote is approximate during the course of a conversation, not a direct, literal quote.)

Of course, I was beaming the whole time.

His teachers (they switch from time to time) have all said that our little boy is a nut of his own species, so to speak. They really don't have words for it, but I am proud to be his mom. Yes, I have been talking to him about anatomy basics because he asked. His cognitive leaps right now are just so high and so fast that I have given up on babying him. If he wants to know something, I will give him a little information at a time until he loses interest. Oh, but to see him learn. It seems like he is just thirsty to absorb knowledge. *squeeee!!* I could not be prouder of him than I am right now.

I wonder if we are teaching him to march to the beat of his own drummer, if he is marching to our beat, or if we just lucked out and he just happened to be born that way?  I am not confident that can actually be taught.

it gives you wings

I caught these precious moments after the boys asked to be butterflies. Once the wings were donned, they did what all boys do- played with cars. They had so much fun!

boys will be boys?

It finally happened.

I knew it was inevitable, but still... my heart is saddened by it. On a really instinctual level.

On Sunday night, I was painting my nails for a job interview I had on Monday morning. Daegan reveled over them, and begged me to paint his. He curled up in my lap and stood breathless and still as I painted each tiny toenail and each tiny fingernail. He blew on them and then actually sat still (!) until they dried. Then, he even asked for another coat!

He was so happy with his nails. He showed them off to everyone. He would run up to me and hug me, screaming "Thank you for painting my nails, mommy! They are so beautiful!!" He told me he felt like he had stars and galaxies on his fingers- "They look just like Saturn!"

They brought him joy.

Until.

He went to school on Monday, and showed them for show and tell. One of the boys in his class looked at him in disgust, and snorted, "Boys don't paint their nails. Girls do. Why do you want to be a girl?"

He was crushed.

When I went to pick him up from school, he walked up to me, hands tucked shamefully behind his back and he looked at me with the widest eyes, looking for answers.

"Mommy," he whispered, "Do boys paint their fingernails?"

My heart sank into my stomach. Suddenly something that had made him so happy was making him question himself.

"Baby, some girls paint their fingernails, but not all girls. Have you seen mommy with paint on often?"

"No..."

"And some boys paint their fingernails,but not all boys. Have you seen other boys with their fingers painted?"

"Yes..."

"Some people are not used to the idea that we are all different. Nothing in this world is just for boys, or just for girls. We need to do the things that make us happy, even if others people don't approve. Do you understand?"

"I think so..."

He still has the paint on, and he still loves it. However, my heart is sad by this. I knew it would happen, someday, but he is 3! He shouldn't have to worry about that stuff yet!

Hmmm...

I guess this is where the REAL parenting begins- teaching our children how to keep their creative spirit, joy and adventurous innovation while still navigating successfully through this world in an empathetic and graceful way.

7-4 frivolity